Here We Go Again
While talkin w/ G last nite..I inadvertently rehashed recent past relationships. Dating Dissapointments. Uncomfortable Vulnerability. The spasticness. Overanylsis Overdose. My 2 weeks of Mary J & Toni B. *sigh*
Sumtimes its good to leave things in the past but appparantly I missed that memo.
And now I'm bak @ square one. Yes I have issues btw. Clammed up. Walled up. Guarded. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna have a successful, meaningful, mature, loving relationship if I keep doin this sh!t. But its whats comfortable.
As a result, I'm back to being whatevr bout the situation. I've convinced myself he's just like the others. Prepared for his dissapearance. Expecting no more texts/calls/I'm comin over/I care about u/whatevr. That way there's no need for the "My Life" album or "Just be a man about it". I already braced myself and already movin on.
Sumtimes I give up and let go prematurely. DB told me not to mess this one up...as she tends to tell me with each halfway decent guy. I tried. I really did. To not revert back to my normalcy...but I remembered how it was to let go when I didnt want to and it wasnt fun. Those feelings...the newness of them...not knowing what to do cuz I never had to deal...I'm not ready for that again. Not yet. Not now. Not this guy. Yes I got thru it..it wasnt as bad as mayb othr ppl have gone thru..but he!! who cares about others I'm talkin bout me...it does get better but I'm not ready 2 possibly reopen those wounds or start new ones. No matter how small.
Maybe I should apologize in advance to any guy that I end up likin: "Sorry, I'm gonna treat you like every guy in my past until you prove me otherwise".
Mayb that'll make the pill easier to swallow. Maybe not. But at least they'll be forewarned.
This reminds me of a song lol "this woman's work, this woman's world, oh it's hard on the man" ~ Maxwell (luv him)
Aint that the truth!
All is not lost of course. Tho this post may sound as if I feel that way. But I do know how I am and how these things tend to play out. I'm merely just prepared for the fallout. Just in case. The sad thing is I never am prepared for falling. lol. Always ready for the negative and not the positive. I dont believe there'll be too much falling on my part. Not at the rate I'm goin. But I am aware that I subconciously turn the like switch off for fear that I could fall. I'm not sure/confident in this situation enuff to allow myself to.
*sigh* What am I gonna do with myself?! I think I need another one of those DB tough love talks. Then mayb I'll get my sh!t 2gether lol.
**This bloggin stuff is therapeutic rofl! Mayb I'll do my thesis on Blogging Therapy. hehe**
Sumtimes its good to leave things in the past but appparantly I missed that memo.
And now I'm bak @ square one. Yes I have issues btw. Clammed up. Walled up. Guarded. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna have a successful, meaningful, mature, loving relationship if I keep doin this sh!t. But its whats comfortable.
As a result, I'm back to being whatevr bout the situation. I've convinced myself he's just like the others. Prepared for his dissapearance. Expecting no more texts/calls/I'm comin over/I care about u/whatevr. That way there's no need for the "My Life" album or "Just be a man about it". I already braced myself and already movin on.
Sumtimes I give up and let go prematurely. DB told me not to mess this one up...as she tends to tell me with each halfway decent guy. I tried. I really did. To not revert back to my normalcy...but I remembered how it was to let go when I didnt want to and it wasnt fun. Those feelings...the newness of them...not knowing what to do cuz I never had to deal...I'm not ready for that again. Not yet. Not now. Not this guy. Yes I got thru it..it wasnt as bad as mayb othr ppl have gone thru..but he!! who cares about others I'm talkin bout me...it does get better but I'm not ready 2 possibly reopen those wounds or start new ones. No matter how small.
Maybe I should apologize in advance to any guy that I end up likin: "Sorry, I'm gonna treat you like every guy in my past until you prove me otherwise".
Mayb that'll make the pill easier to swallow. Maybe not. But at least they'll be forewarned.
This reminds me of a song lol "this woman's work, this woman's world, oh it's hard on the man" ~ Maxwell (luv him)
Aint that the truth!
All is not lost of course. Tho this post may sound as if I feel that way. But I do know how I am and how these things tend to play out. I'm merely just prepared for the fallout. Just in case. The sad thing is I never am prepared for falling. lol. Always ready for the negative and not the positive. I dont believe there'll be too much falling on my part. Not at the rate I'm goin. But I am aware that I subconciously turn the like switch off for fear that I could fall. I'm not sure/confident in this situation enuff to allow myself to.
*sigh* What am I gonna do with myself?! I think I need another one of those DB tough love talks. Then mayb I'll get my sh!t 2gether lol.
**This bloggin stuff is therapeutic rofl! Mayb I'll do my thesis on Blogging Therapy. hehe**
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