Trust Issues
What about your friiiiends *cue TLC song*
As far as I can remember I have had difficulty trusting people. I'm not entirely sure why but I think I've always been a people watcher. I sit back and notice people's behaviors and I've seen just how grimy people can be. Also, seeing family take advantage of other family; it really is true that family can hurt you more than anyone else can. Growing up I've just been like people can b a muthaf*****!
I used to not let people in or make it hard for people to get to know me but as I've matured I've grown to not be soooo guarded. But I still have only a few close friends and I'm not one to share my business with everybody and their grandmother.
Recently I've been pretty disappointed in the people I am close to. Not everyone but a few. They say if you don't expect things from people you wont be let down but at some point shouldn't people be held accountable? If you say you're my friend, shouldn't there be some responsibility and reciprocity? I am the one that EVERYONE runs to when they have a problem, they need help, they need support, they need someone to listen but in the few times I reach out and need help...crickets.
It is very difficult for me to express my feelings and ask for help so when I get disregarded or very few are there, it hurts and pisses me off. Sometimes I don't want to deal with people, I just want to stay isolated and in my own shell. But how much quality can one's life have if they are always alone?
I've read before that superindependence is a negative trait and makes relationships, particularly romantic relationships difficult. But when you are used to not getting help when needed, why would I wait around for someone to lean on??? In my life, I have only had two people that I could consistently count on and that was my parents. Since I've lost my father, now its just my mother. But reality is, she wont be around for forever. It saddens me while I do have friendships, I don't believe I can count on the majority of them.
I question at times is it me? Am I befriending the wrong people? But I don't think that this is it. My friends are good hearted people. I do have good friends that have been there for me during major points in my life but overall I find myself being the one most giving and helping. It gets draining. It feels unfair. And I try not to adopt an idgaf attitude but when people give you their a$$ I'm not trying to sit around to kiss it.
I hate that I have had to question two friendships within the past two weeks. Both of whom I feel I am constantly supporting, showed me that in return I don't always get the same. So why do I continue? Why do I have to be ol faithful to people that may or may not be that shoulder I can lean on?Especially when I RARELY lean on it???!!!!! One of these friends I expressed my frustration too and it was like I was speaking Russian. They just couldn't understand that the scales feel uneven. So I left it alone bcuz it was too much energy.
It really is a fight sometimes for me to not cut everyone off. By nature I do think I am a loner but I do enjoy other's company. I just at times would rather be alone so I can shield myself from hurt and anger & not deal w/ ppl's bs. Take care of myself and let everyone fend for themselves.
*sigh*
I just needed to vent. Idk what the answer or the remedy is but I feel like I continuously go through this disappointment. Maybe I expect too much? Maybe I just need to accept my caretaker role and that I will have to take care of myself the best way I know how to.
There needs to be a change, I'm just not sure what that change is. I don't want to become cold hearted bcuz it will not be hard for me to do that.
I am thankful for my parents and God. The people who have always been there. And I'm thankful for myself and my strength tho at times I wish I didn't have to always be so strong. That someone else will at least temporarily take the weight off of my shoulders. People have said oh you're so strong I wish I was more like you but being strong is not always positive. It can be draining, tiring, and lonely.
~Soulstress
As far as I can remember I have had difficulty trusting people. I'm not entirely sure why but I think I've always been a people watcher. I sit back and notice people's behaviors and I've seen just how grimy people can be. Also, seeing family take advantage of other family; it really is true that family can hurt you more than anyone else can. Growing up I've just been like people can b a muthaf*****!
I used to not let people in or make it hard for people to get to know me but as I've matured I've grown to not be soooo guarded. But I still have only a few close friends and I'm not one to share my business with everybody and their grandmother.
Recently I've been pretty disappointed in the people I am close to. Not everyone but a few. They say if you don't expect things from people you wont be let down but at some point shouldn't people be held accountable? If you say you're my friend, shouldn't there be some responsibility and reciprocity? I am the one that EVERYONE runs to when they have a problem, they need help, they need support, they need someone to listen but in the few times I reach out and need help...crickets.
It is very difficult for me to express my feelings and ask for help so when I get disregarded or very few are there, it hurts and pisses me off. Sometimes I don't want to deal with people, I just want to stay isolated and in my own shell. But how much quality can one's life have if they are always alone?
I've read before that superindependence is a negative trait and makes relationships, particularly romantic relationships difficult. But when you are used to not getting help when needed, why would I wait around for someone to lean on??? In my life, I have only had two people that I could consistently count on and that was my parents. Since I've lost my father, now its just my mother. But reality is, she wont be around for forever. It saddens me while I do have friendships, I don't believe I can count on the majority of them.
I question at times is it me? Am I befriending the wrong people? But I don't think that this is it. My friends are good hearted people. I do have good friends that have been there for me during major points in my life but overall I find myself being the one most giving and helping. It gets draining. It feels unfair. And I try not to adopt an idgaf attitude but when people give you their a$$ I'm not trying to sit around to kiss it.
I hate that I have had to question two friendships within the past two weeks. Both of whom I feel I am constantly supporting, showed me that in return I don't always get the same. So why do I continue? Why do I have to be ol faithful to people that may or may not be that shoulder I can lean on?Especially when I RARELY lean on it???!!!!! One of these friends I expressed my frustration too and it was like I was speaking Russian. They just couldn't understand that the scales feel uneven. So I left it alone bcuz it was too much energy.
It really is a fight sometimes for me to not cut everyone off. By nature I do think I am a loner but I do enjoy other's company. I just at times would rather be alone so I can shield myself from hurt and anger & not deal w/ ppl's bs. Take care of myself and let everyone fend for themselves.
*sigh*
I just needed to vent. Idk what the answer or the remedy is but I feel like I continuously go through this disappointment. Maybe I expect too much? Maybe I just need to accept my caretaker role and that I will have to take care of myself the best way I know how to.
There needs to be a change, I'm just not sure what that change is. I don't want to become cold hearted bcuz it will not be hard for me to do that.
I am thankful for my parents and God. The people who have always been there. And I'm thankful for myself and my strength tho at times I wish I didn't have to always be so strong. That someone else will at least temporarily take the weight off of my shoulders. People have said oh you're so strong I wish I was more like you but being strong is not always positive. It can be draining, tiring, and lonely.
~Soulstress
Comments